It’s been a year that we’ve had to endure
Trumpism. I compiled a collection of some
of the observational zingers that I’ve created during that time and posted on
Facebook, Twitter and my blog. See if
you have a favorite:
·
Congress scuttles
coal mine river debris regulation. Who
doesn’t want barbecue flavored water?
·
Trump advisor
Miller says, “It’s not for me to speak what’s in Trump’s mind.” That’s because it’s empty.
·
Rand Paul says
there’s not enough time to investigate Republicans. Who can argue with that?
·
Trump’s official
inauguration poster had a misspelled word.
Did Betsy DeVos write it?
·
Spies withhold info
from Trump. They’re waiting to give it
to him at the Mar-A-Lago buffet line.
·
I think the
dictionary just added a new entry to the definition of deranged.
·
“Mr. President, can
you comment on the rise of anti-Semitic acts in America?” “Sit down and shut up.”
·
If Trump’s
favorability rating keeps tanking, his popularity will soon be roughly
equivalent to Lizzie Borden’s.
·
Trump says he’s
going to bring the country together.
Only if it’s in the line at the Canadian border.
·
Trump says he has a
friend in Paris. I thought Napoleon was
dead.
·
Nixon’s former
lawyer sees “echoes of Watergate” in Trump’s first month. I see echoes of Dr. Strangelove.
·
Trump misspells “hereby”
twice on Twitter. Betsy DeVos
immediately called for choice in spelling.
·
Trump thinks Obama
wiretapped him. Actually, it was Putin
setting up the direct line.
·
Interior Secretary
repeals ban on lead bullets. We need to
do something with the extra lead that will be in our water.
·
Waiting for Trump
to tweet that he is no longer tweeting and then tweeting to confirm it.
·
Trump threw his can
opener away when Kelleyanne Conway told him it was breathing.
·
George Forman grill
accused of leaking Trump’s tax return.
·
Whenever Trump make
a ridiculous unsupported claim, I can’t help but think of Gilda Radner saying, “Never
mind.”
·
Budget Director
says Meals on Wheels not showing results.
Those old, poor people should be running marathons!
·
Spicer claims
Britain spied on Trump. Apparently, the
queen keeps a microwave in her purse.
·
Trump didn’t hear
Merkel’s request for a handshake. The
voices in his head drowned her out.
·
Trump supporter
says he wasn’t lying, just speaking Americanese. The rest of us know it as bullshit.
·
When you suddenly
find yourself nostalgic for Ted Cruz, you know things have turned very dark.
·
Trump approval rating
falls again. Soon it will be lower than
Trump U graduates’ success rate.
·
Trump said, “I didn’t
know it was so complicated.” I think he
was referring to tying his shoes.
·
Trump proclaims
Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Kind of
like Jack the Ripper proclaiming Knife Safety Month.
·
A new plague in the
Passover celebration: boils due to lack of health care.
·
Let’s hope Sean
Spicer doesn’t start talking about carnival rides at the Holocaust Center.
·
Trump sent missiles
to Syria while eating chocolate cake with Xi.
He plans to bomb Mexico over borscht with Putin.
·
Manafort registers
as foreign agent, but most good enemy countries were already taken by other
Trump advisors.
·
13 health code
violations at Mar-A-Lago. Trump asks if
Obamacare still covers food poisoning.
·
White House calls
DeVos Sec. of Educatuon. Pretty much how
kids will spell under her leadership.
·
Trump sends armada
in wrong direction. He always gets
confused between North Korea and North Dakota.
·
Trump’s 100 day
accomplishments: “I ate the most
beautiful piece of chocolate cake you’ve ever seen.”
·
Ivanka got booed in
Germany; she got bribed in China.
·
The tax plan
apparently was written on a napkin at a Mar-A-Lago dessert extravaganza.
·
Trump said he would
meet with Kim but no dinner. A good
thing: food poisoning at Mar-A-Lago could cause World War III.
·
Trump tells CBS, “I
don’t stand for anything.” Well, duh.
·
They may have to
reopen Alcatraz for the Trump Presidential Library.
·
We’re going to look
back at, “I am not a crook,” with fond nostalgia.
·
Trump will be going
to Italy for the G7. He thinks it’s a
bingo game.
·
Trump tweets
covfefe, trying to learn Russian for when Putin becomes National Security
Advisor.
·
Trump has given
ethics waivers to 17 White House advisors.
He’s turning the swamp into the Everglades.
·
U.S., Syria and
Nicaragua not in Parris Accord. Two
dictatorships and one democracy.
Nicaragua is the democracy.
·
Sessions says he
gets nervous answering questions quickly.
After all, he needs time to make up his lies.
·
Kellyanne Conway says
get a job instead of Medicaid. Nursing
home residents may need help with the applications.
·
Trump was unable to
find his limo parked in front of him. Let’s
hope that happens with the nuclear codes.
·
Trump’s lawyer says
Trump was aware of nothing. That about
says it all.
·
Jared Kushner
attended the Russian meeting in hopes of obtaining a personality.
·
Liar, liar pants on
fire. There must be a huge number of
flaming trousers at the White House.
·
Ivanka says she
supports her LGBTQ friends. She thinks
it means Let’s Get Back to Quotas.
·
Trump wants to be
up on Mt. Rushmore. Let’s put him there –
literally and permanently.
·
Every time Anthony
Scaramucci speaks, an angel pukes.
·
Stephen Miller is a
rare thing. Jewish Nazis are hard to
find.
·
Kellyanne Conway
says Trump is planning to be a two-termer.
Obviously, she was referring to jail terms.
·
Trump to skip
Kennedy Center Honors. Anything with
honor in it offends him.
·
Trump tweets, “Help
America heel.” Apparently, after he resigns, he’s going into the shoe repair
business.
·
Trump donates
Melania’s stilettos to the Red Cross as a rescue device.
·
Don Jr.’s next
story will likely be that he went to the Russian meeting to see if Hillary was
adopting Putin.
·
Trump thought Motel
6 calling for ICE is like what he does when he has a margarita at Mar-A-Lago.
·
Trump throws paper
towels to hurricane victims. For the
next one, he plans to provide slip and slides.
·
Trump forgot that
he was President of the Virgin Islands.
It’s just that he gets so excited when he hears virgin.
·
Every time Trump
makes a ludicrous claim, he says he has proof.
Apparently it’s 80 proof.
·
Trump plays golf in
Japan. That’s to avoid the fact that he
can’t remember the name of Japan.
·
It is quite telling
that Trump was more upset that Kim Jong Un called him old than he was about Kim
calling him a lunatic.
·
Reddi Wip and
Hebrew National hot dogs pull Hannity ads.
If a beer company follows suit, and viewers boycott them, Alabamans will
have no nutrition at all.
·
Shouldn’t the
Attorney General of the U.S. be able to remember … anything.
·
Of course Trump
supports Moore. They’re on the same
competitive sexual assault team.
·
It turns out that
the witch hunt is actually catching a lot of witches.
·
Kellyanne Conway
says that Trump has tremendous moral standards, and apparently she has
tremendous brain damage.
·
After Trump slurred
his words, there is very little left that he hasn’t slurred.
·
Trump doesn’t care
anything about Net Neutrality, as long as he can still tweet from the toilet.
·
Mnuchin’s horse
manure was just regifting of Trump’s tax bill.
·
Trump suing Bannon
for defamation is like Kim Jong Un suing Trump for having a bigger button.
·
Trump said he could
beat Oprah ... if only he could learn the words to the National Anthem.
·
So many Republicans
have such poor memories, the FDA has approved a new drug called NowIRecall.
·
Analysts indicate
that Trump speaks at a fourth grade level.
Come on now let’s not insult fourth graders.
·
Trump played golf
on Martin Luther King Day. He originally
had planned to play tennis because he thought it was Billie Jean King Day.
·
Trump recognized a
lion on his cognitive test. Now if only
he could recognize that he’s an imbecile.
·
Word has it that
the entertainment at Trump’s $50,000 a ticket Mar-A-Lago celebration will be
Stormy Daniels, but you have to bring your own copy of Forbes.
·
Trump says he’s a
stable genius. The rest of the horses
agree.
·
Now we know that
when Trump said, “Only I can fix it,” he was referring to the plumbing at Trump
Tower.
·
Melania stayed home
from Switzerland. She paid Trump
$130,000 so that she didn’t have to go.
·
Mueller gets Trump
to agree to be interviewed by promising him two bags of Big Macs.
·
Melania flew to
Florida. She decided that she would
rather spend her anniversary at the insect infested Mar-A-Lago than with
Donald.
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